Winter is Coming


Olivia Wauer, Cactus Writer

As we all know, winter is on its way, and this means Thanksgiving.  And, much like the book series, “When you Give a Mouse a Cookie,” this comes with a series of cause and effect.

The famous Thanksgiving Twitter memes about everyone’s divorced aunt asking you about your love life, gives us some insight as to how these holidays usually go for most people, so you’re not alone in your embarrassment.  As for your fellow students, they too share some ridiculous stories from their Thanksgiving, myself included.

My own delicious holiday celebrations contain many oddly wet memories.  I recall one unusually cold year when I was ten.  I was offered TWENTY WHOLE BUCKS to jump into the pool fully clothed.  As any sane ten-year-old would, I agreed, and out came the phones.

I remember pumping myself up like an MMA fighter, receiving dramatic pats on the back from my friends with whispered encouragement.  Ready as can be, I jumped into the pool.  When I think back, it’s as if I’m in a lucid dream watching myself leap off the concrete like a baby bird trying not to fall to its death at first flight.  Thankfully, the ground was made of water, so I was able to come up screaming and shaking.  Oh, the dramatic tendencies of fifth graders.  Afterwards, I took my turkey to the bathtub and poured in the gravy to keep myself warm.

Next up: Hector Orozco.  Now, we all know Thanksgiving is the national day for nearly exploding your stomach.  For this guy, that wasn’t an option; he was going to eat as much as he wanted, and no food baby was going to stop him.  He has a huge family, so he was going to be celebrating at multiple houses.  Hector prepped his stomach by fasting for two whole days.

On the day of his personal eating contest, Hector paced himself at each house to be able to eat as much as possible.  By the fourth house, his stomach was reaching full capacity, but that ham was reaching his soul (and his chin) and Hector couldn’t stop.  So, naturally, his stomach became rock solid, but Hector, a known master of Mario Party and Super Smash Bros, was not a quitter.  He dashed to the bathroom, put some Wario paint under his eyes, went into labor, and out came that food baby.  With fresh space added, he ate to his heart’s content and impregnated himself once more. That night his stomach grew eyes just to cry.  People, don’t be a Hector, even if it is impressive.