“Not Quite Goodbye, But Almost”

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Timonyeh J. Shines, Cactus Contributor

I’ve seen you

I’ve seen it

I’ve seen us

And not a tear did I shed, I believe slowly I’ve untangled myself from a dangerous weaving, one that controlled my breathing and thinking and my poetic speech

I wrote broken-hearted love stories and told them to those of who never knew of the wars I’d been in; am I considered a bad person for allowing them to have that assumption?

I’d rather have you in my mind as my own fairytale, a used to be moment that the public cannot know of, and I smile at my little painful pleasures

I thought I’d still miss you ten years from now, but it’s slowly slipping into fewer than that and my link of distanced affection is weakening, but for once I don’t feel so bad

Of course, old friend; I miss you

I remember how our story began, and I miss it

I miss how your vocal chords would put me to sleep some nights and others, make the red in my skin more prominent

I miss how I used to watch the clock, how few hours ahead in time was the golden ticket and key to the gate that had me winning your adoration; I miss what our story could have been

But I’ve grown and I’m alone and I’m somewhat okay, but somewhat confused

I tie my shoelaces backwards and feel I am on the opposite side of my bathroom mirror, my world has gone black and white, but on good days no doubt I see color

Mr. Stranger, you, I cannot seem to stop counting, but I am still horrid at math, how is that?

Some days I twitch with envisionments, ones of what we’ve been through and what we could have made ourselves into, but I do not shed tears for what is lost because I have to make time to be found

I have to be okay with the fact that you are no longer here and I am no longer yours and there was no us to begin with, and your leaving me behind has sealed it

So for now, I shall enjoy my treasures of individuality, where the only voice inside my head is my own

A.K. 2017